Things I Know - My Practice Kids

Lil and Charlotte were born very close together, 17 1/2 months apart.  Life with the two of them was blurry for quite sometime.

Lil was nearly 3 my the time S arrived and then J was born as he approached 2 1/2.

I've always felt pretty comfortable as a mum but I have definitely found that I have been much more confident with Sebastian and Jasmine.  I think that much of that stems from having had Charlotte and Lil to 'practice' on first - not that I think I have been any less of a mother to them, it's just my experience has been different.

It's kind of like the year we went to the royal show and Charlotte nagged from start to finish to get the showbags (not that I'm likening my children to showbags of course lol) and drove us nuts.  We learnt that when we go again we'll get showbags first (even though it's a pain to have to carry them), it just would have made it a far nicer evening.  You learn from experience.

With the exception of the recent spate of typical 4 year old boy behaviour and perhaps J's refusal to go to bed at night there has been little that the smaller two have been able throw at me that I haven't seen before...and little that isn't eclipsed by some of the infinitely more difficult things we experience with the older girls.  I am terrified already of what things might be like when they hit their teens, but I'm crossing fingers that we have laid good foundations for things not to get too out of hand!

Sometimes I think of Charlotte and Lil as our 'practice' chlidren. 

There are times when S or J are doing something a bit painful but I don't turn it into a big issue, because my 'practice' children did the same things and I know how to handle the situation.  We get to practice everything on them first in a way, or perhaps more correctly, we experience all of the ages and stages with them first.

I often hear parents question or even get asked when a difficult stage or behaviour is going to go away, I do it myself.  A favourite is 'when are they going to listen'.  In truth, I'm 33 and I still don't listen to everything my mum tells me so my hopes aren't high that my kids will listen to everything I say anytime soon.  They are each their own little person after all.

Here's a few things I now know

• It is futile to ask a child to 'clean their room', at least until the start school.  It's too abstract.  They need to be given one individual task at a time to add up to the whole 'clean up your room'.  I could have saved myself a tantrum or 3 with the big girls if I had learnt this one sooner.
• Getting down on their level when you want to tell them something is so important.  So is eye contact, body language and tone.  If you want something to make an impact you need to engage your child, there is no point telling them from across the room.
• I've found that there is a change in attitude when they become too big for you to physically relocate them because if they are feeling defiant and don't want to move, well there isn't a whole lot you can do about it.  For example if J is doing divebombs off the couch with S it's a whole lot easier to remove her from the situation and get her to stop than it is him...as for Charlotte or Lil if they decide they don't want to move, well I'm stuffed.  As they get older defiance just moves to a whole new level because I guess they realise that if they don't want to do something it is very hard for mum or dad to make them.  I guess that's where clear expectations and boundaries from a young age are of benefit.
• Your children will always need you 'right now' the moment you are on the phone.  It hasn't changed yet - Lil, who is 7, is definitely the worst culprit.
• It is worth learning to recognise the difference between attention seeking behaviour, boredom and plain naughty behaviour.  After four children the signs are pretty easy to recognise.  If it's attention seeking then it's usually my attention they are after.  If what I am doing is non essential then I'll stop (case in point it's taken me over 24 hours to write this post now) and give them my attention.  If I need to get done what I'm doing I'll refocus their attention on a different activity.  I keep our 51 things to do list on the fridge for easy reference to combat boredom.  J loves helping me so if I'm cleaning then I find little jobs for her to do too.
• Like 'clean your room', 'go and play' can be too abstract for little kids.
• Your bad behaviour will come back and bite you on the ass.  Tenfold.  Kids are our mirrors, I distictly remember a tantrum I had a few years ago that Charlotte repeated many times over.  I don't think I've had a tantrum quite so big since.  Steven had a quick temper, Charlotte (probably unknowingly) mimics it and in turn Sebastian copies her.  The change needs to start at the top.
• Likewise, the more worked up your child gets the more calm you need to be.  Nicole Avery from Planning with Kids often talks about 'bringing them in close'.  It's a strategy that has far more positive results than getting frustrated and/or loosing your own temper.  I have learnt this one from experience too.
• Positive reinforcement is so much better for everyone's soul than constant picking and nagging.

These are a few of the things that I know.  I'm linking up with Shae from Yay for Home with her weekly things I know meme.

What are some things you have learnt about being a parent that, with the benefit of hindsight, would have been useful if you'd known earlier?

Have a lovely weekend.  It's just me and the kiddos because Steven is away playing superheroes.

Tatum xx